What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm just crazy horny about you
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
