I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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