***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
it wasn't lemon gatorade
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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