Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hello my rib-scented angel!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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