I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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