we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
