my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
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