i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
