That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
