first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
