I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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