that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
