mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Text me some of your sweat
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
