I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
