he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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