just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize