Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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