Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i will never coherently bang her
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
