Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
