I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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