My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
