I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
there is puke in my bra ... again
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