Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
