i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
