This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
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