Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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