My underwear smells like fireworks.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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