For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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