I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize