god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
