textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
