The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
