i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Is Oprah even human
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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