I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish you could order shots online.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
