This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
