I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
