He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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