Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
