You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
