All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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