my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
