Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
