Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
