apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
