this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
