I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You need Xanax blowdarts
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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