my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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