I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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