I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize