you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
