I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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