found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
