Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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