Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
