I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i've created a new STD.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
