32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
